Monday, September 24, 2007

fallen @ 11:23 PM

guess it hardly seems the case, but i'm as sentimental and can be as emotional as most girls can get. but that's not a side i want seen nor remembered.

went for her aunt's wake today. not sure why but when i stood in front of her picture, something just came over me. even though i never really spoke much to her when she was alive, as i talked to her i was on the brink of tears. i was sitting around, pretty much stoning until someone asked me a question or two till the guests all starting coming in. i turned on auto-gear and helped around a little. it's really odd how her direct and extended family all treat me like part of the family. they're really nice people. it's weird cuz i've never been closer to any other friend's family, but yet she's been one who i try to avoid at all cost - and i really mean at all cost. anyway, i stayed till after the night prayers were said. and as i paid my last respects and stared at the wooden box, i felt as though my life had too been packed in.

was it too much to ask for one birthday next year which i'd be free to spend in whatever way i like? perhaps it was. perhaps what i should be thankful for is this past month. i almost forgot how it was to live a life not tied to another's.

it's so hard holding back the tears. this night i cried. looking back on the last time it happened - different reason same individual. i know there'll be more to come, only this time i may no longer have what it takes.

on another note, i wonder what it'd be like at my wake. we all eventually end up in small tiny wooden boxes. i said small tiny because the box really seems that way. perhaps it's a reminder about how minute we really are. this is gonna sound weird, but i think i'd like everyone at my wake to be in orange. no tears. only smiles.

don't read too much into this post. just some really random and queer thoughts.

Monday, September 24, 2007

fallen @ 11:23 PM

guess it hardly seems the case, but i'm as sentimental and can be as emotional as most girls can get. but that's not a side i want seen nor remembered.

went for her aunt's wake today. not sure why but when i stood in front of her picture, something just came over me. even though i never really spoke much to her when she was alive, as i talked to her i was on the brink of tears. i was sitting around, pretty much stoning until someone asked me a question or two till the guests all starting coming in. i turned on auto-gear and helped around a little. it's really odd how her direct and extended family all treat me like part of the family. they're really nice people. it's weird cuz i've never been closer to any other friend's family, but yet she's been one who i try to avoid at all cost - and i really mean at all cost. anyway, i stayed till after the night prayers were said. and as i paid my last respects and stared at the wooden box, i felt as though my life had too been packed in.

was it too much to ask for one birthday next year which i'd be free to spend in whatever way i like? perhaps it was. perhaps what i should be thankful for is this past month. i almost forgot how it was to live a life not tied to another's.

it's so hard holding back the tears. this night i cried. looking back on the last time it happened - different reason same individual. i know there'll be more to come, only this time i may no longer have what it takes.

on another note, i wonder what it'd be like at my wake. we all eventually end up in small tiny wooden boxes. i said small tiny because the box really seems that way. perhaps it's a reminder about how minute we really are. this is gonna sound weird, but i think i'd like everyone at my wake to be in orange. no tears. only smiles.

don't read too much into this post. just some really random and queer thoughts.