Tuesday, April 01, 2008

平静中的喧闹 @ 4:14 PM

This was something I had wanted to do a long time ago. But I guess now's a better time. Since everything has come to an end. Then again, perhaps I shouldn't even be talking about this. After all, what use is it anyway? There is no turning back. What was said and done was said and done. But indulge me a little. Let me rant. You don't have to listen if you don't wish to.

Never in my wildest dreams did I think that things would end up this way. I know I haven't said or done some of the things I should have but yet said and done those which I shouldn't have. If memory doesn't fail me, throughout all this, I haven't done anything in the dark. I've expressed my feelings and thoughts to those who'd listen openly and honestly. I believe I've stated facts, and not made up stories which were a fraction of my imagination.

But perhaps all this is just what the self-righteous part of me is telling me.

I have never been hurt and disappointed by this many people at the same time and on the same matter. Then again, maybe never have I hurt and disappointed this many people either. There are always two sides to anything, no matter how thinly you slice it. I did see both sides of things, and hence I chose to sit on no man's land. If that makes me a coward, or one who's useless and foolish, so let it be. I never did think highly of myself nor expected anyone to think that way of me.

I know that if I do live long enough, I'd most probably look back on all of this and regret – maybe I already do. But I won't regret sitting on no man's land. What I regret and am angry at myself for, is how I actually let something like that, get so out of hand. That it affected so very many friendships, and totally threw out what I had wanted to hold on to when it was all over – the memories of what was once, a place where I could seek laughter and share tears.

I guess nothing makes any difference any longer. I suppose it's time we moved on. Forget. Forgive. Then again, what's there to forgive? Throughout all of this, anger would probably be the last emotion I felt.

May time heal all wounds.

Tuesday, April 01, 2008

平静中的喧闹 @ 4:14 PM

This was something I had wanted to do a long time ago. But I guess now's a better time. Since everything has come to an end. Then again, perhaps I shouldn't even be talking about this. After all, what use is it anyway? There is no turning back. What was said and done was said and done. But indulge me a little. Let me rant. You don't have to listen if you don't wish to.

Never in my wildest dreams did I think that things would end up this way. I know I haven't said or done some of the things I should have but yet said and done those which I shouldn't have. If memory doesn't fail me, throughout all this, I haven't done anything in the dark. I've expressed my feelings and thoughts to those who'd listen openly and honestly. I believe I've stated facts, and not made up stories which were a fraction of my imagination.

But perhaps all this is just what the self-righteous part of me is telling me.

I have never been hurt and disappointed by this many people at the same time and on the same matter. Then again, maybe never have I hurt and disappointed this many people either. There are always two sides to anything, no matter how thinly you slice it. I did see both sides of things, and hence I chose to sit on no man's land. If that makes me a coward, or one who's useless and foolish, so let it be. I never did think highly of myself nor expected anyone to think that way of me.

I know that if I do live long enough, I'd most probably look back on all of this and regret – maybe I already do. But I won't regret sitting on no man's land. What I regret and am angry at myself for, is how I actually let something like that, get so out of hand. That it affected so very many friendships, and totally threw out what I had wanted to hold on to when it was all over – the memories of what was once, a place where I could seek laughter and share tears.

I guess nothing makes any difference any longer. I suppose it's time we moved on. Forget. Forgive. Then again, what's there to forgive? Throughout all of this, anger would probably be the last emotion I felt.

May time heal all wounds.