Monday, June 22, 2009

may he rest in peace @ 12:04 PM

bronchopneumonia (5 days), cerebral vascular accident (10 years) are what is listed as the condition and disease leading to death. after over 5 years of being in a home, my grandfather passed away on thursday 18th june 2009.

i was in philippines when i received the news. it was a mix of emotions really. i knew i felt sad and yet i was angry, which i felt first i can't remember. i know i was angry because i had to cut my trip short and make arrangements for a different flight as the one i was booked on was non-rebookable. i won't deny that the thought of not coming back did cross my mind as the cremation was set for today and my initial flight was due back yesterday. i wasn't prepared and even till now, i can hardly believe that he's gone.

throughout the flight back and the cab ride to the wake, my heart was racing. part of me was hoping that all of it wasn't happening.

at the wake i found the coffin shut and nailed. i couldn't even see his face for the last time. i know this was what saddened my aunt who flew back from US too. my cousin told me that perhaps it's better to just remember him as how he looked in the picture. he looked radiant and happy. that picture was taken about 5 years ago in the first home he was in.

i was angry that he didn't give any one a chance to say goodbye, to be by his side. my dad received a call from the home on thursday morning, even though he rushed down, he was 5 minutes too late. i remember that the last time i had visited him was probably a month or two back. my grandma hadn't been down to visit him as often as she hadn't been well and in all honesty, it was sad visiting him. seeing his frail and skinny body, his swollen hands and feet... he had also stopped speaking for over 3 to 4 months now. it had crossed my mind to see him before i left, but i was at a camp and i had thought well, it's only a week, i'll see him when i get back. i never thought that he'll be gone and that i'd never see him again.

my maternal grandparents passed away when i was still a young child. i can't even remember any detail about the funeral. i had thought funerals were solemn ceremonies, but it wasn't the case all the time at my grandfather's. it was not that we didn't respect the dead, it was just how my family is.

the most painful part was the last day, part of the buddhist rite was walking round the coffin, it always made my aunt cry. seeing the body being loaded up the hearse and then my dad and uncles "pushed" the hearse and we all followed behind it and walked about 400m before boarding the bus. it was probably one of the times we cried the hardest, but my aunts were thankful that my eldest uncle arranged for this. they had wanted this "last journey" with him to be significant. the final outburst came at the cremation. even my uncles and cousins all broke down as the coffin entered the "furnace" (found out later that this has been upgraded to a microwave set at 600 degree celsius to speed up the process).

no matter who we are or what we become in life, at the end of it, we all end up in a little wooden box. i remember my grandfather being a fairly tall man, the wooden box really didn't seem at all possible to accommodate him. for my dad, aunt and uncles it was probably hard that this all took place over fathers' day. but looking back, i think my grandfather had hand-picked it. it was probably his last wish to see all his children and grandchildren come together, which we did.

ah gong: i pray and hope that you're now in a better place.. somewhere where you could stand up once again, no longer restricted by your physical body, a place where you need not have to suffer anymore, and look down on us and smile.

Monday, June 22, 2009

may he rest in peace @ 12:04 PM

bronchopneumonia (5 days), cerebral vascular accident (10 years) are what is listed as the condition and disease leading to death. after over 5 years of being in a home, my grandfather passed away on thursday 18th june 2009.

i was in philippines when i received the news. it was a mix of emotions really. i knew i felt sad and yet i was angry, which i felt first i can't remember. i know i was angry because i had to cut my trip short and make arrangements for a different flight as the one i was booked on was non-rebookable. i won't deny that the thought of not coming back did cross my mind as the cremation was set for today and my initial flight was due back yesterday. i wasn't prepared and even till now, i can hardly believe that he's gone.

throughout the flight back and the cab ride to the wake, my heart was racing. part of me was hoping that all of it wasn't happening.

at the wake i found the coffin shut and nailed. i couldn't even see his face for the last time. i know this was what saddened my aunt who flew back from US too. my cousin told me that perhaps it's better to just remember him as how he looked in the picture. he looked radiant and happy. that picture was taken about 5 years ago in the first home he was in.

i was angry that he didn't give any one a chance to say goodbye, to be by his side. my dad received a call from the home on thursday morning, even though he rushed down, he was 5 minutes too late. i remember that the last time i had visited him was probably a month or two back. my grandma hadn't been down to visit him as often as she hadn't been well and in all honesty, it was sad visiting him. seeing his frail and skinny body, his swollen hands and feet... he had also stopped speaking for over 3 to 4 months now. it had crossed my mind to see him before i left, but i was at a camp and i had thought well, it's only a week, i'll see him when i get back. i never thought that he'll be gone and that i'd never see him again.

my maternal grandparents passed away when i was still a young child. i can't even remember any detail about the funeral. i had thought funerals were solemn ceremonies, but it wasn't the case all the time at my grandfather's. it was not that we didn't respect the dead, it was just how my family is.

the most painful part was the last day, part of the buddhist rite was walking round the coffin, it always made my aunt cry. seeing the body being loaded up the hearse and then my dad and uncles "pushed" the hearse and we all followed behind it and walked about 400m before boarding the bus. it was probably one of the times we cried the hardest, but my aunts were thankful that my eldest uncle arranged for this. they had wanted this "last journey" with him to be significant. the final outburst came at the cremation. even my uncles and cousins all broke down as the coffin entered the "furnace" (found out later that this has been upgraded to a microwave set at 600 degree celsius to speed up the process).

no matter who we are or what we become in life, at the end of it, we all end up in a little wooden box. i remember my grandfather being a fairly tall man, the wooden box really didn't seem at all possible to accommodate him. for my dad, aunt and uncles it was probably hard that this all took place over fathers' day. but looking back, i think my grandfather had hand-picked it. it was probably his last wish to see all his children and grandchildren come together, which we did.

ah gong: i pray and hope that you're now in a better place.. somewhere where you could stand up once again, no longer restricted by your physical body, a place where you need not have to suffer anymore, and look down on us and smile.